I’m not in a very cheery, motivational mood today. Stress has gotten the better of me. I really need to start exercising. I think after I’m done with this posting I’m going to strap on my shoes and head out side for a jog. Get some of this bad mood off of me with fresh air and sweat.
I’m a chronic helper. Ever since I was little, all I wanted to do is make people happy. That made me the “Yes” girl. If I can help some one with something and make their life that much easier, I’m there in a heartbeat. My parents encouraged this by volunteering me to help with things. And although the goal was to make me a good person, a caring person… which it did…. but that plan had one huge flaw. It made me a push over. When I was young I confused the lines of someone needing my help for someone being my friend. It’s something I’ve carried with me into adult hood. If you’re my friend I do my best to help you whenever you need it. Although this is a good quality to have, there is a downfall. I would push my own needs aside, I ignore when I need help and for the most part I don’t say “NO” enough.
I spent most of my Middle School years eating my lunch in a teachers room because of teasing and threats. I was a chubby little girl with braces and a boy haircut. I developed my bad eating habits during those years because it was a way to make myself feel better. It was also during these years I learned how to turn off a certain emotional side to myself. Through out my early adolescence and adulthood I had a rough time with trusting people and keeping friendships for a long period of time.
After a failed marriage and a recent spurt of failed friendships I can feel myself going into that, I’m going to push you away, place. Everyone is at an arm’s length right now.
I’m saying this because yesterday was a rough day. I started analyzing things I’ve done in my life, friendships that went wrong and the people who have set out to hurt me after being what I thought was a good friend to them. I wondered what I could have done differently… maybe if I helped them a little more… maybe if I had just kept my mouth shut…
When this starts happening I want to eat… mainly to get my mind to a different place because I know I’m a good person and I don’t need to be blaming myself for trying to be friends to people.
Yesterday I did my normal routine. But none of it satisfied me. I wanted junk all day. My body ached for it. I was tired, headachey and grumpy. I had a hard time not letting it show. I stuck with what I had, even when people from Amp energy drink where handing out free stuff. I got the drinks just because it was free, but I didn’t drink any of it.
Dinner was ready when I got home.
It was really good. Problem was I had that plate x 2. That’s right, I had 2 servings of everything. FAIL! Granted, it wasn’t like a big burger or fried junk… but still. I tossed and turned all night…. I need to do some yoga or something. I’ve got some bad ju ju around me and I need to shake it off quick.
Tomorrow is my day off. I’m determined to do something nice for myself. I’m thinking of getting one of those $19 full body massages over by the grocery store then maybe go paint something at color me mine. This would be something you would do with a girlfriend, but I’ve become extremely protective of myself in the last few months. I’m hoping to possibly make some close connections. There are several people I really enjoy talking to and being around but I’m so guarded I’m not sure how to connect like that any more.
This was kind of a downer blog lol Sorry! But weight loss is a lot more than eating and exercise. A big part of it is emotions. Although I’ve made it pretty far on this journey, I still have a goal I plan to achieve and if I don’t work out some of this emotional stuff, I won’t make it and could possibly end up back where I started.
Thanks for coming by!